What to Buy Your Ho Ho Ho’s – Brads Christmas Shopping Guide for that Special Someone

So, me and my gang were sitting down the other day awesoming it up (well, I was anyway), when one of my bro's stumbled onto the conversation of Christmas gifts. Unsure of what to get his girlfriend for the Nativity (that means Christmas, by the way; who knew?), he turned to me, his faithful wingman to help him out (well, he asked the rest of the group too, but he was pretty much just addressing me). 

Well, the women all kept telling him to get all this crap like clothes and face cream and all that gay stuff, where all us bro’s were giving him the real ideas like a pack of condoms and the Die Hard Quadrilogy. After a little arguing and a lot of name calling, I got to thinking and decided that, in the spirit of Christmas, I will give you the ‘Ultimate Christmas Guide’, for both males and females! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

For the Females:
Nothing clothe related – If you get her clothes that are too small, she’ll get insulted and think you’re saying she needs to lose weight; if you get her clothes that are too big, she’ll get insulted and think that YOU think she’s too fat.  

No Face Cream – Face cream suggests that she has bad skin… stay away if possible.
No Make Up – Make up is far too difficult to buy. Get the wrong shade of blue and she’ll think you regard her as a wannabe clown hooker.

No Gift Cards – Really, dude… are you serious?
No Stuffed Animals – Just… don’t…
No Jewelry – Too many rules and restrictions… it’s better to just keep it simple…

Porn – Be careful though, it’ll put you on the naughty list.

Homemade Vouchers – As Mr. Tribbiani once said, ‘One Hour of ‘Joey Love’ will get anyone laid’; it’s cheap AND efficient.

No Food Related Prod… look, you know what, just break it off with them until Christmas is over, save yourself the trouble…

For the Males:
Get him anything. We honestly don’t care.
Food, Clothes, Video Games, DVD, Porn; As long as it’s interesting, we’ll be fine with anything.

Actually… when getting a gift for a girl, there is ONE thing you can get her that is sure to be a hit… 

http://media.vintagecotton.com/shirt/44/dick_box01.jpg 

...if you're a little confused about the possible outcome, watch this documentary...

*The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of Brad or Bradley's Blog.

6 Stages of a Facebook Addict; The Journey One Takes to Quit

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have a Facebook. How did I guess? Because you and every over chump in the world (unfortunately, me included) has eventually succumbed to the ‘social network’ that is slowly destroying the internet. I mean, who needs to blog when you have a Facebook? All these emotionally crippled hot chicks with serious daddy issues are now using Facebook to fill up peoples news feeds with their personal crap that nobody really cares to read, but plays along because they have a nice set of cans. Gone are the days were these needy women posted semi-naked pictures of themselves in hopes to get attention. No, now, whenever they want attention, they just post about how nobody loves them, or how their best friend is stabbing them in the back or how their skirts are too short or whatever crap their posting nowadays.

This is what blogs are for; posting crap that no one will read… Facebook is for ‘catching up with old friends’ and stalking the crap out of your hot neighbors*… any other crap should get posted on Tumblr (don’t worry, Tumblr, I haven’t forgotten about you… unfortunately).  Anyway, enough of my ranting.; what I’m really going to be talking about today is the 6 stages of a Facebook Addict and the journey they go through when quitting. Before we get started, let’s discuss how one actually becomes a Facebook addict.

Prologue: Discovery
So, you’re at a party or a concert or whatever. You had a good time, but best of all, lots of pictures were taken of you getting it on with the hottie with a body. Anyway, the next day, you go up to your bro who took the pictures and what a surprise, he uploaded them to Facebook… but you don’t have a Facebook, do you? So you finally decide to make one… oh… this isn’t so bad… oh look who just added me, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, that kid that used to sit next to me in 7^th Grade Math Class… and look, he sent me a Farmville request as well…

So there you have it, you’ve discovered Facebook and before you know it, you’re spending 7 hours a day on it, looking through peoples photos, playing them crappy Facebook ‘games’ or whatever, but nonetheless, you’ve become an addict. Now let’s talk about the ‘Journey of Quitting Facebook’

Step 1 – Denial
Nobody likes to admit they’re addicted, that’s just one of the facts of life. Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of albums and statuses that you won’t be able to view after leaving Facebook. Some of the common things someone in denial would say include, ‘I feel fine’ or ‘This can't be happening, not to me.’

Step 2- Anger Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"


Step 3 – Bargaining The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay leaving Facebook. Usually, the negotiation for an staying on Facebook is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I have to leave, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my entire life to stay…"


Step 4 – Depression

During the fourth stage, the person who’s leaving begins to understand the certainty of a life without Facebook. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. It is also common for the person to try and use another social site to soften the blow, however it is important that they don’t then become attached or addicted to the new social site that they choose to turn to (see Twitter Whores, MySpace Morons or Tumblrfag)

Step 5 – Acceptance

In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their fate, and finally begin to move on. This stage may take a while to reach, but depending on how much of an attention whore they are, it’ll be worth it in the end. During this stage, it is common for the victim to say things like "It's going to be okay." and "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Step 6 - Rediscovery (Optional)
I’m gonna be totally honest with you… it’s impossible to quit Facebook, but I urge you to try nonetheless. If you do manage to quit, please refer this guide to all your friends, regardless of if it helped you at all. If you do quit, I happily accept donations via PayPal or even wads of cash in the mail (if you’re hot, I also accept topless pictures).

Good Luck, Live Long and Prosper and Keep Up With Dental Hygiene 


*I swear I don't do that... *cough cough*

How To Dress Your Baby

You've probably already read my article on How to Pick Yourself (If not, I suggest you do it... NOW!), well, how about dressing a baby? There’s an 83% chance you’re gonna wind up with one of your own so unless you want to wind up raising a Joe, you better learn how to dress it. 

This kid's gonna pull all the babes...

RULE 1: NO UNISEX.
Next time you’re casually standing next to the pack n’ plays at the local Babies “R” Us projecting a responsible, yet sexy vibe for all those single moms (sleep deprivation = poor decision making = erky erky in the diaper section), take a moment to notice all of that teeny-tiny clothing. There are three sections: one for baby bros, one for baby chicks, and a third heap of hideous booger green and pee-pee yellow onesies. This pile of sadness is called “unisex” clothing.  Unisex is always a bad idea. It was a bad idea when CKOne was a thing and it’s a bad idea now.

RULE 2: NO UNISEX.
Sure, like a hundred years ago no one knew if they were having a little Tommy Lee or a tiny Pamela, but we have science now, people! Science has given us rovers on Mars, Carmen Electra’s rack, and now allows us to register for an entire wardrobe of dashing three-piece baby suits or poofy, pink dresses.

RULE 3: NO UNISEX.
When was the last time you shopped in a unisex section? What? You don’t? Thought so. So why subject your newest little bro to that indignity? (And if you have been shopping in a unisex section of any store anywhere, re-read blogs 1-131. And then write me an apology note. Seriously.)

RULE 4: SOCKS.
Never leave the house without wrapping those little toesies in some itty-bitty socks. Otherwise every grandma within a thirty block radius is gonna stop to tell you your baby is cold. Also, have you seen baby socks? Squee!

RULE 5: SUITS. NOT A UNISEX SUIT.
Can’t go wrong with a suit… just make sure the tie isn’t too tight.

The Awesomest Things

When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.  True story.  But how do I do it?  Simple.  I sing the following song to remind myself of how many awesome things there really are out there.

Girls in wet t-shirts and chimps in tuxedos,
Monster truck pile-ups and Hans who shoot Greedos.
Wild chicks that beg to be tied up with strings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

U.S. Armed Forces and dudes kicked in gonads
Box suites for football and chicks’ absent dads.
Single malt scotches that someone else brings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

Skateboarder wipe-outs and first person shooters,
Reruns of “Air Wolf” and hiring for Hooters.
Hot girls that gyrate and wear down bedsprings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

When the check comes!
When the girl clings!
When she’s fully clad… 

I simply remember the awesomest things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

The Bro Code (Words)

Hey Guys.
Recently, I have been in a bit of a pickle... no... I'm not going to make a joke out of that sentence...
Anyway, I realised what society lacks... Bro Code Words.
Say your chilling at a bar, or a club, or a quad or Church; I don't know... wherever you fancy picking up women. So, you're there, you see a this foxy little thaaang sitting alone... so, naturally, you approach her. Only you get over there and use your best line, she turns out to be the female equivalent of Gary Busey...

Oh, Dear Lord...

Well my good friend... you've become a victim of Bakku-shan. Bakku-shan is a Japanese word that means a woman who looks good from behind, but not from the front. In this post, I'll be reviewing some famous Slang words or 'Bro Code Words' as well as some me and my fellow Bro's have come up with...  use them well and use them appropriately... if a female comes into possession of these words... we will all be doomed...

UPDATE:
I realise I haven't updated my blog in a while... now, when I say a while... I mean a WHILE. Because of my awesome life, I haven't been able to sit down and just... blog. Now, I'll try to get onto that but, like I said, because of my busy life, it still might be a little hard (you know what else is hard... no, I won't go there... yet...), but please, keep checking the site every week or so; you never no what you'll find ;).

So, back to the article... where was I... oh, that's right. Bro Code Words. Some of these, you may already know, some you might not. Others, I'll just make up and pretend they were real. In the case of the latter, you are advantaged, because only YOU and the minority of the population that view this blog (I really do mean minority) will know what they mean.

In this article, the male who intends to pick up women shall be dubbed as 'Roxas'... no reason behind that name... I just think it's cool. Now, in the interest of keeping this blog RELATIVELY PG rated, I'll substitute certain words... which I'm sure you'll either know or that are easily Googleable (do I get money for product placement? My email's on my profile, Google... just... letting you know).

• Bop - A woman who is notorious for performing 'Noggin'... (do you see... what I... did there?)
• Beezy - A woman who is a 'female dog'. Obviously, not in the literal sense. This can be used by the wingman to show Roxas that, whilst the woman MAY be hot, she is a bit-... I mean, a female dog.
• Booty Doo - This refers to a woman who's stomach is bigger than her butt. Whilst it is acceptable to pursue a slightly bigger girl, she MUST have a butt bigger than her stomach. A Booty Doo is not deemed worthy bait by bro's. 
• Buttaface - A chick who has a great body, boobs, hair and bum, but an unattractive face. 'Everything about her is perfect but her face.' When pursuing a buttaface, a paper bag is recommended for night time activities.
• Cake - A girl with a rocking bottom. Sort of like a Booty Doo, but without the big stomach. 
• Cake Face- a girl who uses FAR too much make up... and most of the time winds up looking like a transexual prostitute.
• Chron (Pronounced TRON... you know, like the movie (Go watch it (not that Legacy crap, the original (OK, so Legacy wasn't THAT bad... (I mean, it had decent graphics and all, but the story was ridiculous (Then again, so was the original story line (FINE, GO WATCH THEM BOTH!)))))))- The perfect girl in your description. To most, she has a great body, is hot, funny, kind and intelligent (if you're into that sorta thing). To some weirdo's, she might be fat, bug eyed and smell like mule food, but nonetheless, it's how YOU view a perfect girl.

A perfect example of a Chron

• Gucci - A gold digger. Someone who is only interested in money. This codeword can be useful, as it allows the wingman to show the girls main interest without blatantly saying 'she wants your money, not your penis'.
• H.F.F.A - Hot From Far Away. A girl who looks hot from a distance, but not up close. 
• H.U.C or Huck - Hot Up Close. Kinda opposite to a H.F.F.A... but is hot far away as well...
• L.G.F.T.D - Looks Good From The Door. A chick who looks good walking into a room or party. Similar to a H.F.F.A, but the hotness up close is undefined (if at a party, it might be because you're drunk)
• Peng - A hot chick. Nope, no exceptions, just an all-round hot chick. It's just a way of being a bit more discrete and yelling to your mate that a hot chick is standing at the bar... 
• Ratchet - A ratchet is a girl who is insane. She may be hot, but is insane. Don't get me wrong, insane girls shouldn't just be cast off, but they must be pursued with caution. For more details on Insane Hot chicks, see 'The Hot Crazy Scale'. 
• Skatch - A repulsive 'skank'. Surprisingly Common in Modern Society. Usually a girl who thinks they are good looking, but are usually quite ugly. Sometimes, they might not actually think they are good looking, but dress provocatively nonetheless or hang out with actual skanks. 
• Wale Tail - When a girls underwear (particularly thongs) are visible out the top of a girls pants. 

Well children, that's all for today. If you have anymore code words you think should be added, feel free to list them in the comments (which I know you WON'T do... none of you ever give me feedback... but that's cool... I'm awesome...)

The Nice Guys Test

According to Heartless Bitches International (an actual website by the way, I'm not making it up), the Nice Guys are a big red target for the predators of the world.
What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him. (Their words, not mine)...

Now, I've met a lot of Nice Guys... a lot of them are pretty cool... but most WON'T do well with women unless they're Nice Girls... here's YOUR chance to test your Nice Guy Rating...

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?

A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up.  Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of
   beer
E. I take a knife


2."Women are special." Is this statement true?

A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them.  And
   I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged


3. Genreally, when a girl cancels out of a date...

A. NOT APPLICABLE.  I don't get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness.  The only excuse I'll accept is
   death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery


4. When I meet a girl, I...

A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off


5. I think women are...

A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedistal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth


6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,
   blows your weekend.

A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs.  If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment


7. On Valentine's Day...

A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but recieve few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want.  I send no cards
   unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it


8. I get dates...

A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive
   offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times.  My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort.  Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go.  Sometimes that just isn't enough


9. When I am at a bar...

A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out.  Of course, this is only if they let me in


10.  A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...

A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life


11. When I settle down...

A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
   kids
C. I might want to get married.  Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down.  The world is after me


12.  Marriage...

A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
   fool around
E. is impossible


13. If I ever got married I would...

A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
   to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men


14. I get laid...

A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
   year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never.  But I get screwed a lot


15. Look at your charge card bills.  Those related to women are...

A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay.  If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
   wrestling or a tractor pull.  Look on my date's credit card bill to see
   the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already.  You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad.  Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.

If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater.  They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you.  It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance.  The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.

famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap.  You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what
she is attracted to.  Women chew you up and spit you out.  You never get
laid.


If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it
made.  The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss
that can keep him interesting.  If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.

famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing
in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren't.  It depends on
the woman in question.  For men of this type, It means that you probably
want what you probably can't get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for
you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy.  If he is not attracted to you, he acts
like Mr. Abuse

famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women.  He is the one who gives the
least and gets the most.  Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be
controled from this source.  Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,
the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life
worth living.

famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,
James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo
Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO

You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum,
open the door, and let him make your day.  Mr. Psycho is as rare as
Mama's boy.  If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help
immediately.

famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David
Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.

How to Win An Argument With a Woman

*IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ*
Dear women... if you are reading this, this is actually a boring post that you will find uninteresting... so... go run Australia or whatever...






























Phew... now that's over... it is scientifically proven that women will NOT read the fine print, so I can safely put the rest of the post down here... in small print... 
Anyway, I recently got in a bit of a tiff with a female friend and/or co-worker and, while it ended well for me, I realise other members of the male society may not be so fortunate. So, after extensive research (and a quick Google search), I discovered sacred information... how to win an argument with a woman...
I must stress, however... use this guide with CAUTION...
Step 1. Abandon all logic. Girls don't use it, and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Step 2. If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. Compromise is useless against girls, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole ****in' Periodic Table.
Step 3. Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. Ever argue with a girl about something and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person. =]
Step 4. Cite precedent. Girls have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most girls reading this just went over to dictionary.com to see what "precedent" meant.
Step 5. Interrupt her. Don't let her talk. Girls hate that like they hate other girls. It's hilarious, too. They get all frazzled. =D
Step 6. Don't take her seriously. Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train. ;]
Step 7. If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. If a girl can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bull****. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.
Step 8. Don't be fooled by "Let's stop arguing please." That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like "Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me." Pisses them off. Just trust me.
Step 9. Compare her unfavorably with another girl. This is especially effective if the comparison is with a girl that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, "Lisa is so much more compassionate than you." Girls hate other girls, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly.
Step 10. Don't be intimidated by the water works. That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying girl. Stay strong, don't let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from "Old School" in your head if you must.
Step 11. Bust out, "I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point." Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a girl's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to ****. Again, mind games.
Step 12. When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument.

Personal Improvements

Have you ever felt like you're alone in your awesomeness? Hanging around with Joe, I do all the time. Even your best Bro will never be as awesome as you. That's just simple geometry. But there's finally something you can do about it.

Below are five "Personality Improvement Cards." Print them out and give them to your friends, making sure to explain that you're just trying to help them be more awesome. If they resist, here's a great quotation from Ralph Waldo Emerson you can use to persuade them: "Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect and total awesomeness." True story.

Personality Improvement Card #1

Name: Alexander Macintosh

Job: 4-Time Motocross Champion

Quirks: Chugs motor oil before each race. Rarely vomits.

Personality Improvement Card #2

Name: Eddie Lightyear

Job: Drummer

Quirks: Can burp the entire alphabet. In Farsi.

Personality Improvement Card #3

Name: Tawny Gobblestock

Job: Female Porno Director

Quirks: Occasionally insists on getting "involved in the action." Great with actors.

Personality Improvement Card #4

Name: Jack Moustache

Job: Stuntman

Quirks: Taught Chuck Norris how to fight. Taught Jean-Claude Van Damme how to act.

Personality Improvement Card #5

Name: T.J. Mackey

Job: Seduction Artist / Motivational Speaker

Quirks: Knows how to "seduce and destroy" women. Makes a mean cocktail.

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The Diary Of Thomas Riddle (A Full Biography of the Life of Tom Riddle)

Thomas Archebold Riddle (born May 2nd 1963) son of Thomas Percival Riddle Snr. and Eleanor Turbold Riddle was a pro basketballer from the age of 17 until his untimely death at the age of 36 due to a complication during routine pigmentation surgery. Thomas was born with a rare genetic defect called whiteblackmanatosis, which required him to have frequent surgery. In 1990 he married actress Salma Hayek in Cancun, Mexico; they have three children. During his career, he played for the Los Angeles Lakers and earnt the nickname "Lord Voldemort" for an unknown reason. His son Ron Artest (who takes his mother, Rhonda Artest's last name) currently plays for the Lakers and often dedicates his games to his late father. Thomas also had a great, great aunty named Adolf Tilher, a Jewish man from Ohio who grew Roses in the summer and shovelled snow in the winter. He eventually became mayor of the town of Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap, near his farm and married Mary Lou Bethlahime; they had 15 children. Adolf died in a freak cow attack in 1914. Mr Adolf Tihler was one of the first people to be known as aunty while they were men. This was due to his feminine nature and his constant cross dressing around Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap.

Aunty Adolf Tihler Baking Cookies

At the tender age of 13, Mr Riddle had his spleen surgically removed by a common household toothbrush after he 'borrowed' a certain Carlos Norris' tractor to renovate his port-a-loo. According to Mr Riddle, the tractor continued to move, even after he parked it. The accident was a major event in the towns history and gossip of the event spread like wildflower. The incident may have been the origin of his basketball nickname, as the townsfolk commonly called him ‘The Park Lord’, meaning ‘Haha, You can’t park a tractor you dumb twat’ in Latin. Thomas was so distraught by the incident, he grew an orange halfrow and a moustache and made everyone call him ‘dawg’.

The Unfortunate Accident caused his skin to turn from blue to pale

In 1972, the Riddle family moved to Hollywood to sell novelty condoms, as a front for their highly infamous Marijuana business. It was a small business, with only one outside employee, a young Carlos Irwin Estevez (later known as Charlie Sheen). The family continued this business up until Tom Sr. fatally stabbed himself with ‘rubber Johnny’. Unscathed yet broke, the fatherless family moved to a small ghetto in New Hampshire and lived in a broken Sedan parked behind a McDonalds where the oldest child, Marvin, sold U2 records on the weekend.

The Riddle Family [from left to right]. Marvin, Tom Sr., Tom Jr.,   Eleanor and Rocky.

Just after the resignation of President Nixon, Thomas discovered his love for cookery, sampling many delicacies the world has to offer and later that year he had invented the MahPooIsExquisite, which consisted of 98% wizard feces... After much trail and error (and a LOT of consumption of feces), Riddle was rendered mute and spent 13 years mastering sign language. Towards the end of his life, Thomas could sign so well, his hands would occasionally break out in a spontaneous combustion, proving to be very entertaining at parties.

Controlling the combustion and limiting it to his hand... this guy is a master at 'magic'...
During Mr Riddles 'Pre Afro' days.

Before the terrible ‘mute’ incident, Mr Riddle pursued a singing career, in which he formed the band, ‘My Lord and The Death Eater Crew.’ My Lord and The Death Eater Crew (also known as Mylant Deatrew) went on to sell 174 different albums and did 412 world tours, making them the second most successful band in the universe, losing only to ‘Boobies, Boobies, Boobies’.

Mylant Deatrew's first commercially released album

The youngest member of the Riddle family, Rocky, played an influential part of Tom’s life. In 1979, Rocky discovered a strange substance growing inside the Earths core. Upon consumption of the liquid, Rocky grew wings and flew to Northern Island, where he sold the liquid he calls, ‘Red Bull’. Rocky lived in a 25 floor estate with his 34 wives and 792 children... each named Rocky (excluding the accidental female child, named ADRIENNE).

After consumption of Red Bull, Rocky matched powers of Superman

Tom’s life remained pretty stable throughout the 80’s and 90’s... either that or he was so high he forgot most of his 20’s and 30’s.

Look at that guy... totally stoned...

On New Years Eve 1999, Thomas underwent his routine pigmentation surgery, as it was able to keep his skin at a stable colour. Although, this surgery proved to be more than routine. At around 11:24 PM, Doctor Stinson was absence as he was picking up all of the Spice Girls, so Tom was treated by Dr Whatshisface. Dr Whatshisface had been proven less than incompetent on many occasions, having successfully bleached Michael Jackson's skin in the past. Mr Riddle was declared deceased at 11:59 on the 31st of December 1999. The cause of death was increased hormonal activity in the brain, causing his body to explode. Thus ends the tragic biography of Mr Thomas Archebold Riddle (by the way, YES it’s Archebold NOT Archibald. The nurse misspelled the name on his Birth Certificate)

R.I.P. My Lord...

The Hot Crazy Scale

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become - knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where the great Professor Barnabus Stinson comes to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale.
1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:

a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.
b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.
c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:

a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.
b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.
c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:

a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.
b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.
c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:

a: Report it to human resources.
b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.
c: Stab him with his tie.

6. The barista screws up your double skim, half café, no sugar added caramel macchiato. You:

a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.
b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.
c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:

a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.
b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.
c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:

a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.
b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.
c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:

a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.
b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.
c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:

a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.
b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.
c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly.

100 of MY Favorite Films (FINISHED)

A few months ago, I began to compile a list of movies which I deemed 'awesome'. Now, bare in mind, I have probably seen 0.0000005% of all the movies ever made... if that. IMDb states that there are over 1,824,380 made (or being made) from 1888 to 2016, so the chances that anyone will see every movie are kinda slim (except Charlie Sheen... he has seen every movie ever made... winning.) Now, this list will eventually consist of 100 movies however it will not be completed right away. Oh, BTW, when I say movies, I am not including movies of an adult variety...  if you catch my drift... just because movie contains boobs, it doesn't have an excuse for having poor lighting and crappy plot lines... well... maybe sometimes. Anyway, in honour of 222 years of cinematography, my Top 100 Movies!

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
• Fight Club 
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 
• Back to The Future 
• A.I. Artificial Intelligence 
• 10 Things I Hate About You 
• Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog 
• Pulp Fiction 
• About a Boy 
• The Shawshank Redemption (NEW)
• Toy Story 
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 
• Back to The Future 2 
• Singing in the Rain 
• Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone 
• Inglorious Basterds (NEW)
• Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 
• A Clockwork Orange
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 
• Same Time, Next Year 
• Die Hard 
• The Sixth Sense 
• Snatch (NEW)
• The Jungle Book
• The Truman Show 
• Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 
• American History X (NEW)
• Hot Rod 
• The Muppets (NEW)
• The Kings Speech
• Casino Royale (NEW)
• Meet the Robinson's 
• Cars 
• Se7en (NEW)
• Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back 
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 
• Toy Story 2 
• The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (NEW)
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 
• Wayne’s World 
• Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc 
• The Hunger Games (NEW)
• The 40 Year Old Virgin 
• Cast Away 
• The Green Mile (NEW)
• School of Rock
• Taken (NEW)
• 21 Jump Street (NEW)
• Donnie Darko
• Little Shop of Horrors
• Monsters, Inc. 
• Wayne’s World 2 
• Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 
• Love Actually 
• Die Hard 3 
• Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy 
• Zoolander
• The Grey (NEW)
• X-Men First Class (NEW)
• Tropic Thunder (NEW)
• Starship Troopers 
• To Kill A Mockingbird
• Shrek 
• Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy 
• The Lion King 
• Shrek 2 
• The Pursuit of Happyness (NEW)
• Spirit: The Stallion of Cimmaron 
• The Hangover 
• Drive (NEW)
• Watership Down 
• Star Wars: A New Hope 
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day 
• The Watchmen (NEW)
• Pirates of the Caribbean 
• The Inbetweeners Movie (NEW)
• Shutter Island 
• A Bugs Life
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest
• Shawn of The Dead 
• Hot Fuzz 
• A Few Best Men (NEW)
• James Bond: Quantum of Solace
• The Nightmare Before Christmas 
• Edward Scissorhands 
• Happy Feet 
• Toy Story 3 
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
• Men In Black 
• Ghost Town
• The Cinderella Man 
• The Time Machine 
• The Dark Night 
• Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
• Big Fish 
• Cool Hand Luke 
• Beauty and the Beast (Don’t Judge Me) 
• Ghostbusters 
• Catch Me If You Can
• The Railway Children (NEW)

Now, if there are any movies you feel I should add to the list (or watch THEN add to the list), feel free to comment below... but I'll only listen if you're wearing a suit (unless you're a girl... in which case I'll only listen if you're wearing nothing at all.)

PEACE OUT, HOMBRES


UPDATE: After exactly a year and one week, I have FINALLY completed my Top 100 Movies List! 
Again, if you feel the need for me to review the list and update it with better movies, I urge you to give me your favorite movies in the comments (which I REALLY know you WON'T... you speds...)

Pick Up Lines That Will Get You Laid (Out)

OK, now assuming you are like every other person on the planet (aside from women, young children and prudes) you probably didn't notice the (Out) part in the title, did you. Don't worry, it's a scientific fact that 83% of people when they see the an article mentioning getting laid, will jump straight to the How-To section, and to be honest I don't blame them. In this day and age, getting laid is tricky. About 50 years ago, you could've claimed you invented the automobile and the sheer awesomeness of the claim would cause every women in the bar wanting a piece of you. But now, because of the internet, those easy ways of getting women have been foiled and now we actually have to put effort in to pick up women by using Plays (See future Blog Post) and Pick Up lines (on the upside, the internet gave you this blog). Anyhoo, getting back on track. I cannot guarantee these lines will work. In fact, I can almost guarantee these lines will give you a black eye... 
The lines that I will provide will be categorized into different pineapples... you know, just for Lolz. The pineapples are: Cheesy, Flattery, Innuendo, Straight to the point/Crude, Geeky, Harry Potter and plain Awesome ...


CHEESY

• If beauty were time, you'd be eternity. - 32% of success
• Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart. - 31% of success
• Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! - 2% of success
• You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line. - 45% of success
• If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents. - 36% of success
• Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW! - 42% of success
• Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT! - 26% of success
• When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you. - 28% of success
• Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back. - On Valentines Day: 86% of success, Any other day: 19% of success

FLATTERY

• All those curves, and me with no brakes - 21% of success
• Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue? - 19% of success
• I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. - 17% of success
• I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. - 2% of success (don't ask)
• Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a goddess. - 24% of success
• What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off! - 100% of success (if your famous and (good looking))... 27% for anyone else.

INNUENDO

• I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. - 26% of success
• Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. - 43% of success
• Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them. - 28% of success
• Help the homeless. Take me home with you. - 35% of success
• I've got a condom with your name on it. - 13% of success
• That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. - 15% of success
• Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them? - 24% of success
• Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? - 52% of success
• Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get. - 34% of success

STRAIGHT TO THE POINT/CRUDE

• Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I? - 29% of success
• Fancy a drink? No, how about Bed and Breakfast? - 41% of success
• Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs. - 19% of success
• Wanna shag? - 36% of success (you'll be surprised)
• I am a magical being, take off your bra. - 9% of success
• I wanna put my thingy into your thingy. - 83% of success
• Let's bypass all the bullcrap and just get naked. - Unfortunately, not enough
• You -will- go home with me tonight. - 100% of success if you are a Jedi or Sith lord.
• You've been a bad, bad girl(boy). Go to my room! - 47% of success
• Excuse me. My friend over there is a little embarrassed. He'd like your phone number... because he wants to know where he can get a hold of me in the morning. - 63% of success

GEEKY

• I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. - 12% of success
• I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen. - 6% of success
• Need me to unzip your files? - 8% of success
• Want to come see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. - 10% of success 
• Your homepage or mine? - 4% of success

HARRY POTTER (If a Harry Potter Fan add 42%)

• My love for you burns like a dying phoenix. - 27% of success
• Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean. - 23% of success
• If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together. - 26% of success
• If you were a Dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss. - 35% of success
• You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on! - 37% of success
• You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell. - 41% of success
• You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone. - 14% of success

AWESOME

• Bond... James Bond - 90% of success (trust me) 
• Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? - 47% of success
• The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name - 61% of success
• So....How am I doin'? - 24% of success
• (If s/he is looking at you)You know, my mother always told me it was impolite to stare... so what do you say we dance? - 98% of success
• Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore; My face should be among them - Again... not enough

So there you have it. A variety of Awesome and Awful) pick up lines (emphasis on the awful). Use them at a bar, club or convention (for the Geeky and Harry Potter ones). Now go my minions of the Blogworld... GO!  Good bye and Good luck... you'll need it...