The Diary Of Thomas Riddle (A Full Biography of the Life of Tom Riddle)

Thomas Archebold Riddle (born May 2nd 1963) son of Thomas Percival Riddle Snr. and Eleanor Turbold Riddle was a pro basketballer from the age of 17 until his untimely death at the age of 36 due to a complication during routine pigmentation surgery. Thomas was born with a rare genetic defect called whiteblackmanatosis, which required him to have frequent surgery. In 1990 he married actress Salma Hayek in Cancun, Mexico; they have three children. During his career, he played for the Los Angeles Lakers and earnt the nickname "Lord Voldemort" for an unknown reason. His son Ron Artest (who takes his mother, Rhonda Artest's last name) currently plays for the Lakers and often dedicates his games to his late father. Thomas also had a great, great aunty named Adolf Tilher, a Jewish man from Ohio who grew Roses in the summer and shovelled snow in the winter. He eventually became mayor of the town of Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap, near his farm and married Mary Lou Bethlahime; they had 15 children. Adolf died in a freak cow attack in 1914. Mr Adolf Tihler was one of the first people to be known as aunty while they were men. This was due to his feminine nature and his constant cross dressing around Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap.

Aunty Adolf Tihler Baking Cookies

At the tender age of 13, Mr Riddle had his spleen surgically removed by a common household toothbrush after he 'borrowed' a certain Carlos Norris' tractor to renovate his port-a-loo. According to Mr Riddle, the tractor continued to move, even after he parked it. The accident was a major event in the towns history and gossip of the event spread like wildflower. The incident may have been the origin of his basketball nickname, as the townsfolk commonly called him ‘The Park Lord’, meaning ‘Haha, You can’t park a tractor you dumb twat’ in Latin. Thomas was so distraught by the incident, he grew an orange halfrow and a moustache and made everyone call him ‘dawg’.

The Unfortunate Accident caused his skin to turn from blue to pale

In 1972, the Riddle family moved to Hollywood to sell novelty condoms, as a front for their highly infamous Marijuana business. It was a small business, with only one outside employee, a young Carlos Irwin Estevez (later known as Charlie Sheen). The family continued this business up until Tom Sr. fatally stabbed himself with ‘rubber Johnny’. Unscathed yet broke, the fatherless family moved to a small ghetto in New Hampshire and lived in a broken Sedan parked behind a McDonalds where the oldest child, Marvin, sold U2 records on the weekend.

The Riddle Family [from left to right]. Marvin, Tom Sr., Tom Jr.,   Eleanor and Rocky.

Just after the resignation of President Nixon, Thomas discovered his love for cookery, sampling many delicacies the world has to offer and later that year he had invented the MahPooIsExquisite, which consisted of 98% wizard feces... After much trail and error (and a LOT of consumption of feces), Riddle was rendered mute and spent 13 years mastering sign language. Towards the end of his life, Thomas could sign so well, his hands would occasionally break out in a spontaneous combustion, proving to be very entertaining at parties.

Controlling the combustion and limiting it to his hand... this guy is a master at 'magic'...
During Mr Riddles 'Pre Afro' days.

Before the terrible ‘mute’ incident, Mr Riddle pursued a singing career, in which he formed the band, ‘My Lord and The Death Eater Crew.’ My Lord and The Death Eater Crew (also known as Mylant Deatrew) went on to sell 174 different albums and did 412 world tours, making them the second most successful band in the universe, losing only to ‘Boobies, Boobies, Boobies’.

Mylant Deatrew's first commercially released album

The youngest member of the Riddle family, Rocky, played an influential part of Tom’s life. In 1979, Rocky discovered a strange substance growing inside the Earths core. Upon consumption of the liquid, Rocky grew wings and flew to Northern Island, where he sold the liquid he calls, ‘Red Bull’. Rocky lived in a 25 floor estate with his 34 wives and 792 children... each named Rocky (excluding the accidental female child, named ADRIENNE).

After consumption of Red Bull, Rocky matched powers of Superman

Tom’s life remained pretty stable throughout the 80’s and 90’s... either that or he was so high he forgot most of his 20’s and 30’s.

Look at that guy... totally stoned...

On New Years Eve 1999, Thomas underwent his routine pigmentation surgery, as it was able to keep his skin at a stable colour. Although, this surgery proved to be more than routine. At around 11:24 PM, Doctor Stinson was absence as he was picking up all of the Spice Girls, so Tom was treated by Dr Whatshisface. Dr Whatshisface had been proven less than incompetent on many occasions, having successfully bleached Michael Jackson's skin in the past. Mr Riddle was declared deceased at 11:59 on the 31st of December 1999. The cause of death was increased hormonal activity in the brain, causing his body to explode. Thus ends the tragic biography of Mr Thomas Archebold Riddle (by the way, YES it’s Archebold NOT Archibald. The nurse misspelled the name on his Birth Certificate)

R.I.P. My Lord...