If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have a Facebook. How did I guess? Because you and every over chump in the world (unfortunately, me included) has eventually succumbed to the ‘social network’ that is slowly destroying the internet. I mean, who needs to blog when you have a Facebook? All these emotionally crippled hot chicks with serious daddy issues are now using Facebook to fill up peoples news feeds with their personal crap that nobody really cares to read, but plays along because they have a nice set of cans. Gone are the days were these needy women posted semi-naked pictures of themselves in hopes to get attention. No, now, whenever they want attention, they just post about how nobody loves them, or how their best friend is stabbing them in the back or how their skirts are too short or whatever crap their posting nowadays.
This is what blogs are for; posting crap that no one will read… Facebook is for ‘catching up with old friends’ and stalking the crap out of your hot neighbors*… any other crap should get posted on Tumblr (don’t worry, Tumblr, I haven’t forgotten about you… unfortunately). Anyway, enough of my ranting.; what I’m really going to be talking about today is the 6 stages of a Facebook Addict and the journey they go through when quitting. Before we get started, let’s discuss how one actually becomes a Facebook addict.
Prologue: Discovery
So, you’re at a party or a concert or whatever. You had a good time, but best of all, lots of pictures were taken of you getting it on with the hottie with a body. Anyway, the next day, you go up to your bro who took the pictures and what a surprise, he uploaded them to Facebook… but you don’t have a Facebook, do you? So you finally decide to make one… oh… this isn’t so bad… oh look who just added me, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, that kid that used to sit next to me in 7th Grade Math Class… and look, he sent me a Farmville request as well…
So there you have it, you’ve discovered Facebook and before you know it, you’re spending 7 hours a day on it, looking through peoples photos, playing them crappy Facebook ‘games’ or whatever, but nonetheless, you’ve become an addict. Now let’s talk about the ‘Journey of Quitting Facebook’
Step 1 – Denial
Nobody likes to admit they’re addicted, that’s just one of the facts of life. Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of albums and statuses that you won’t be able to view after leaving Facebook. Some of the common things someone in denial would say include, ‘I feel fine’ or ‘This can't be happening, not to me.’
So, you’re at a party or a concert or whatever. You had a good time, but best of all, lots of pictures were taken of you getting it on with the hottie with a body. Anyway, the next day, you go up to your bro who took the pictures and what a surprise, he uploaded them to Facebook… but you don’t have a Facebook, do you? So you finally decide to make one… oh… this isn’t so bad… oh look who just added me, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, that kid that used to sit next to me in 7th Grade Math Class… and look, he sent me a Farmville request as well…
So there you have it, you’ve discovered Facebook and before you know it, you’re spending 7 hours a day on it, looking through peoples photos, playing them crappy Facebook ‘games’ or whatever, but nonetheless, you’ve become an addict. Now let’s talk about the ‘Journey of Quitting Facebook’
Step 1 – Denial
Nobody likes to admit they’re addicted, that’s just one of the facts of life. Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of albums and statuses that you won’t be able to view after leaving Facebook. Some of the common things someone in denial would say include, ‘I feel fine’ or ‘This can't be happening, not to me.’
Step 2- Anger Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Step 3 – Bargaining The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay leaving Facebook. Usually, the negotiation for an staying on Facebook is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I have to leave, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my entire life to stay…"
Step 4 – Depression
During the fourth stage, the person who’s leaving begins to understand the certainty of a life without Facebook. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. It is also common for the person to try and use another social site to soften the blow, however it is important that they don’t then become attached or addicted to the new social site that they choose to turn to (see Twitter Whores, MySpace Morons or Tumblrfag)
Step 5 – Acceptance
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their fate, and finally begin to move on. This stage may take a while to reach, but depending on how much of an attention whore they are, it’ll be worth it in the end. During this stage, it is common for the victim to say things like "It's going to be okay." and "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
Step 6 - Rediscovery (Optional)
I’m gonna be totally honest with you… it’s impossible to quit Facebook, but I urge you to try nonetheless. If you do manage to quit, please refer this guide to all your friends, regardless of if it helped you at all. If you do quit, I happily accept donations via PayPal or even wads of cash in the mail (if you’re hot, I also accept topless pictures).
I’m gonna be totally honest with you… it’s impossible to quit Facebook, but I urge you to try nonetheless. If you do manage to quit, please refer this guide to all your friends, regardless of if it helped you at all. If you do quit, I happily accept donations via PayPal or even wads of cash in the mail (if you’re hot, I also accept topless pictures).
Good Luck, Live Long and Prosper and Keep Up With Dental Hygiene
*I swear I don't do that... *cough cough*
*I swear I don't do that... *cough cough*
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