How to Succeed in High School Without Really Trying

Hey everyone.
You may or may not have been wondering lately (my odds are on the latter), where has Brad gone? Why has no one been updating his blog? Why do the news keep reporting on Kim Kardashian?
Well, to answer none of those questions, I apologise for my absence; up until now I
have been really busy with school and work commitments so I haven't had a chance to update The Brads Blog in quite a while (that was a complete and utter lie, I have no work or school commitments and if I did I wouldn't be doing them.)

Now, as you have been countlessly informed by teachers, parents and poorly animated, Saturday morning cartoons, high school is one of the most important chapters in the seemingly endless story that is our lives. We are constantly told that if we keep our head down, have no social life and have no fun in general, we will get into a good university and go on to lead a a consumeristic lifestyle
driven by the empty materialism of the modern world (sorry, I'll keep the whole capitilism rants for my other blog). Anyway, I don't need to enforce how awful high school is. The drama, the stress, the bowl cut, the acne... Wow, you really are a loser, aren't you. Well, not to worry, Jeremy! Uncle Brad is here to help you live your high school years to the fullest! In this blog post, I can show you how
to cut stress time by up to 100%, how to increase your free time to up to 168 hours a week and how to succeed in high school without really trying.

Now, I consider myself to be very unindustrious. 9 times out of 10, I will take the easiest method of completing a task and the other 1 time out of 10, I would've found an easier way and done it like that. Naturally, this kind of conflicts with the whole notion of 'give it your best shot' that most schools seem to enforce. Irresponsible? I guess so. Ridiculous? Not at all. Why? Because I know how high school works. I've worked out the system and know how to play it to it's advantage. The whole 'study your hardest' rule obviously isn't compulsory, it's recommended. However, like most recommended lifestyles, there are others that can work just as well. You don't need to study relentlessly to achieve high results. Now, I'm not denying that if you want the highest results possible, studying is the way to go, because it is. No, this is merely the average guys guide to getting through high school in one piece because if I can do it, then I'm damn sure you can do it too!

Coming Soon...

Snapback Countdown

Evening/Morning/Afternoon kids, long time no blog. 

Once again, I have decided to return to the interwebz to bring you more pointless, pathetic and possible illegal boredom busters. 

Hi, I'm Brad. You may remember me as the creator of highly successful games such as Student Dodgem and Hot Chick Bingo; well, here I am with another way to beat boredom when out in public. 
As you are probably aware, an old fashion trend has reemerged with our youth, in which the conformist members of society wear flat-brimmed caps known as Snapbacks (or fitted caps, but I don't want to get into the whole politics of the situation right now). Anyone that knows me is well aware about my distaste regarding this new trend and, having come to the realisation that there are over 50 Snapback wearers in any vicinity, I decided to turn my hatred into a little game: SNAPBACK COUNTDOWN!

The aim is simple; count the number of Snapback caps you see whilst walking around in public. I've found a good hunting ground is at your local shopping center (preferably at late night shopping - there are an abundance of Snapback-wearing teenies walking around the shops on a Thursday evening). 

Point System:
Snapback on average male: 1 Point
Snapback on Vans: 2 Points
Snapback on average female: 5 Points
Snapback on young boy (Under the age of about 7): 10 Points
Snapback on father: 20 Points
Snapback on young girl (Under the age of about 7): 50 Points
Snapback on a mother: 100 Points (it is recommended you call the police, she is most likely illegally procreating) 

Current High Score: 152 Points (Acquired at Late Night (Ugggg) on the 20th of September)

The beauty of this game is it can be played alone, in teams or in groups, either cooperating to get the highest score possible or trying to be the first to spot the Snapback wearer. 

Have Fun Kids, and Play Safe!

The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse – Why It Will End Humanity and How You Can Save Yourself (INCOMPLETE)

C’mon, you knew this was coming. With all the Zombie Related attacks happening in the last month, it would be impossible for me NOT to talk about the potential army of the undead that will soon rise up against humanity… wait, what? You DIDN’T expect me to write this article? You didn’t expect me to write any articles at all? Oh, how wrong you were my friend. Much like the quick recline in modern flesh-eating horror stories, I’ve returned like a turkey slap to the face of society; quick, painful and coming right out of nowhere (what a hideously, disgusting pun… I’M BACK, BABY!). So, where was I…? Oh right, zombies! 

Our Lord and Savior: The Zombie Slayer

Deep down, you’ve been waiting for this moment for your entire life. You’ve grown up watching zombie films, survived adolescence by blowing up the undead on your pathetic gaming consoles and spent countless hours on the can dreaming of the ultimate zombie survival story. Why? Because we are the zombies, man! Zombies aren’t scary anymore; we’ve become accustom to the fear which has forced their horror to manifest into hatred. We hate them because they’re us, minus all the intellect and emotion that somehow redeems humanity. Zombies are the ultimate portrayal of modern antagonism, simply because we pity them; we revolt them as they symbolise the lowest form of humanity. Don’t deny that fact that you would happily grab the nearest blunt instrument and parade the street beating the now-mindless flesh-eating population, painting the town red with the brains of your ex-lover. Now, before you grab your double-barrel shotgun and hit up the town, blowing up the head of the nearest semi-conscious alcoholic, we must first ask ourselves, how? Not how shall we end this uprising of reanimated corpses, but how will this war begin.

The three main speculations regarding the introduction of zombies amongst the human race include; A brain parasite, a viral toxin and the reanimation of a dead human. The viral toxin scenario seems to be one of the most common of the uprising theories; one person becomes a zombie, who goes on to bite another person, who in turn bites a third person and so on and so on and so on, etcetera etcetera, carpi diem, the end. Obviously, the most common spread of this form of contagion is through one infected individual biting the flesh of a second individual, causing the virus to be pumped directly alongside the victims’ bloodstream. In some respects, this option would be most favourable, as you would already be aware that you are becoming a zombie allowing you time to say good bye to your love ones, sort out your affairs and appreciate the fact that in a few minutes, you will never have to hear about Justin Bieber ever again. On the otherhand, you might be someone who enjoys a little mystery or maybe you’d just prefer to be caught unawares, much like that Turkey Slap I mentioned earlier in the article.


TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)

How to get likes on your Facebook picture.

Facebook is no longer the social network that it was once designed to be; It's a competition. How do you win, you may ask? You get 'likes'. Yes, that's right; Facebook is now no more than a good old fashion, moral boosting site where people attempt to attract attention in hopes of gaining a 'like' through an onymous voting system which reflects either how appealing the status is or where you stand amongst the social ladder. Whilst some of us have to post highly deep and meaningful or ridiculously humorous statuses to gain an appropriate response, some of those who are seated higher up on communal hierarchy can post almost anything and it would still be accepted amongst both those who are on the same level social influence and also those who are often 'tossed aside'.* A common question asked by those who are lower down on the pecking order of life is 'Why do I not receive many likes when some of the 'wildly popular' people can post a picture of the sky and still rack up 200 likes" (I'll discuss these monstrous people in a later article...). Well, after a deep anal-ysis (on your mum... (I dunno, I'm tired, give me a break)), I have discovered the root of the issue and now, for your convenience...

"How to get the most amount of likes possible on a Facebook picture."

For Males:

• Post a humorous picture - Facebook is divided into 2 main catogories; those who respond well to comedy and those who respond well to pictures... combine them together to appeal to the majority of Facebooks' demographic.
• Post a good looking picture of yourself - Bitches love good looking guys (Exhibit A). Even if you aren't good looking, pretend you are! Chicks love that stuff; bound to get you some likes.
• Post a picture of yourself with a relatable or humorous caption.
• Post a picture of yourself with a hot female friend - If you don't have one, GET ONE (anyone get the reference?)
• Post a controversial political or religious picture - Won't get you likes per se, but it'll definitely rack up a lot of comments!
• Post a picture of your rock hard abs - Sure, you might not have any now, but go to the gym man, seriously... just... get abs and post them. It'll get likes... BELIEVE ME.
• Become famous somehow - Worked for Snooki, it can work for you.

For Females:

• Post a picture of you with your tits out - You know what I'm talking about...
• Do a 'Duck Faced' Pout - For some reason, this shit works. You look like a whore but it works... actually, that might be why...

Being David

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I use Photoshop to make work of arts... this isn't one of those times...

Brad's Guide To Identifying Chicks (According to Our Education System)

As you are aware, the education system has many different, sometimes silly, rules such as: No gum in class, wear the correct uniform, I before E except after C; just crap like that which won't have any effect on our education at all. Among these rules is a rule we have at my place of learning; CHIRP. Whilst not exactly a compulsory rule, CHIRP simply means, 'Check It Out, Highlight, Items, Read and Produce'.. I'm not entirely sure what it's there for, but either way, I don't exactly pay much attention to it; What I DO pay attention to, however, is my own personal version... one that helps identify what chick is suitable for hitting on*.

Check Her Out - Before you begin, determine exactly how hot she actually is. Find how hot she is and then rank her out of 10 (I do NOT do this, BTW, ladies... it is a VERY sexist thing to do and I do not condone with such an act) and then determine how she compares to you. I find it's generally safe to shoot for someone with up to a 1.5 difference in hotness. If you are a 7, you can safely shoot for a 8.5 or a 5.5; if you are a 4.5, go for a 6 or 3; if you are a 9.5, like myself (hey, nobody's perfect), it's usually OK to go for someone who is about a solid 10 or an 8.  Also, take into consideration the 'Crazy Hot Scale' and 'The Cheerleader Effect' when choosing your victi- I mean target...
Highlight Her Best Features - Whether it be her Double D boobies or her long, flowing hair (no homo), it is always important to highlight and take note of her best features. It can be a selling point when talking about her to your bros and may come in handy in the future.
Identify Her Insecurities - Come on, you knew this was coming. Sometimes, it's also important to take note of her insecurities. Does she keep covering up a scar on her elbow or does she have a nervous twitch? Either way, you can use this to your advantage, either in a polite way or a douchey way (you can decide which... for my own protection, I won't help you out here)
Read Her Body Language - As you probably already know, body language is essential. It can tell you if she's interested or it can tell you if she has a boyfriend (I hear that is a bit of a deal breaker for some of you...). If she points her straw at you, even if she's talking to somebody else, it probably means she wants you in the bathroom stall... like, now, dude!
Produce a Play - No, don't go writing her some Shakespeare, you fool (See what I did there... no, just me?), produce a PLAAAAY. If you don't know what a play is, go buy The Playbook by Barney Stinson, it'll tell you EVERYTHING you need to know. If you don't have any plays, I will be writing up a few of my personal favorites in the next few weeks, so stay tuned!


Well, that's all for today my prodigy's, I hope to you well and sexed up (sounded less gay in my head, BTW) for the next time we meet, but until then...
*Insert Funny Outro Message*


*This article does not express the views of Brad or The Brads Blog in any shape or form.

Student Dodgem - The New Trend of 2012

Today, me and one of my main bro’s (yes, that’s you, Jeremy) were just standing around, exhuming our awesomeness onto passers-by when we realised something… what’s better than trying to make people more awesome? ANNOYING THEM! But how do we annoy them, we asked ourselves. Do we throw food? No, too adolescent. Do we, threaten them at point-blank range with a firearm? No… that could get us into a tiny bit of trouble. Do we plank on them? No, come on, dude, this isn’t 2011. After a bit of thinking, we decided… we would play a game with the passers-by. This game would be so genius that they wouldn’t even realise we were doing it AND it would have no legal percussion’s on us. This game, as we later named, was Student Dodgem. The aim of the game was simple; stroll out in front of a walking student and stop and make them either bump into you… or… walk around you, I guess… it was funny at the time, trust me.

How to play STUDENT DODGEM! 

Step 1: Find your victim. For beginners, I suggest choosing a kid that is smaller than you and unlikely to try and beat you up. Maybe even someone you know, but not necessarily on speaking terms with. Sure, it will most likely ruin any potential relationship between you, but hey, that’s not my problem.

Step 2: Start walking. Now, I’ll be honest; this game involves a lot of advanced mathematics and physics. You’ll need to work it out exactly so that your line of movement just about coincides with your victims, but you also need to be moving fast enough so your victim continues walking and doesn’t move out of the way before you expect them to.

Step 3: When you are in your victim’s path, juuuuust as they are about to walk past, either stop and turn around so that they bump into you or walk backwards into them. Once you are successful, it might be wise to call out to your friend or act oblivious to the fact that you just purposely bumped into a random person. Either look at your phone or start tying your shoe… honestly, I couldn’t care because if you’ve listened to me for this long, you’re a maniac.

Step 4 (Optional Under the Circumstance): RUN! Chances are, you’ll eventually bump into someone that won’t be too happy with your little games, in which case, I suggest you high tail it out of there quicker than a woman in a shoe sale.

VIDEO AND PICTURES COMING SOON.