What to Buy Your Ho Ho Ho’s – Brads Christmas Shopping Guide for that Special Someone

So, me and my gang were sitting down the other day awesoming it up (well, I was anyway), when one of my bro's stumbled onto the conversation of Christmas gifts. Unsure of what to get his girlfriend for the Nativity (that means Christmas, by the way; who knew?), he turned to me, his faithful wingman to help him out (well, he asked the rest of the group too, but he was pretty much just addressing me). 

Well, the women all kept telling him to get all this crap like clothes and face cream and all that gay stuff, where all us bro’s were giving him the real ideas like a pack of condoms and the Die Hard Quadrilogy. After a little arguing and a lot of name calling, I got to thinking and decided that, in the spirit of Christmas, I will give you the ‘Ultimate Christmas Guide’, for both males and females! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

For the Females:
Nothing clothe related – If you get her clothes that are too small, she’ll get insulted and think you’re saying she needs to lose weight; if you get her clothes that are too big, she’ll get insulted and think that YOU think she’s too fat.  

No Face Cream – Face cream suggests that she has bad skin… stay away if possible.
No Make Up – Make up is far too difficult to buy. Get the wrong shade of blue and she’ll think you regard her as a wannabe clown hooker.

No Gift Cards – Really, dude… are you serious?
No Stuffed Animals – Just… don’t…
No Jewelry – Too many rules and restrictions… it’s better to just keep it simple…

Porn – Be careful though, it’ll put you on the naughty list.

Homemade Vouchers – As Mr. Tribbiani once said, ‘One Hour of ‘Joey Love’ will get anyone laid’; it’s cheap AND efficient.

No Food Related Prod… look, you know what, just break it off with them until Christmas is over, save yourself the trouble…

For the Males:
Get him anything. We honestly don’t care.
Food, Clothes, Video Games, DVD, Porn; As long as it’s interesting, we’ll be fine with anything.

Actually… when getting a gift for a girl, there is ONE thing you can get her that is sure to be a hit… 

http://media.vintagecotton.com/shirt/44/dick_box01.jpg 

...if you're a little confused about the possible outcome, watch this documentary...

*The views expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect the views of Brad or Bradley's Blog.

6 Stages of a Facebook Addict; The Journey One Takes to Quit

If you’re reading this, I’m assuming you have a Facebook. How did I guess? Because you and every over chump in the world (unfortunately, me included) has eventually succumbed to the ‘social network’ that is slowly destroying the internet. I mean, who needs to blog when you have a Facebook? All these emotionally crippled hot chicks with serious daddy issues are now using Facebook to fill up peoples news feeds with their personal crap that nobody really cares to read, but plays along because they have a nice set of cans. Gone are the days were these needy women posted semi-naked pictures of themselves in hopes to get attention. No, now, whenever they want attention, they just post about how nobody loves them, or how their best friend is stabbing them in the back or how their skirts are too short or whatever crap their posting nowadays.

This is what blogs are for; posting crap that no one will read… Facebook is for ‘catching up with old friends’ and stalking the crap out of your hot neighbors*… any other crap should get posted on Tumblr (don’t worry, Tumblr, I haven’t forgotten about you… unfortunately).  Anyway, enough of my ranting.; what I’m really going to be talking about today is the 6 stages of a Facebook Addict and the journey they go through when quitting. Before we get started, let’s discuss how one actually becomes a Facebook addict.

Prologue: Discovery
So, you’re at a party or a concert or whatever. You had a good time, but best of all, lots of pictures were taken of you getting it on with the hottie with a body. Anyway, the next day, you go up to your bro who took the pictures and what a surprise, he uploaded them to Facebook… but you don’t have a Facebook, do you? So you finally decide to make one… oh… this isn’t so bad… oh look who just added me, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, that kid that used to sit next to me in 7^th Grade Math Class… and look, he sent me a Farmville request as well…

So there you have it, you’ve discovered Facebook and before you know it, you’re spending 7 hours a day on it, looking through peoples photos, playing them crappy Facebook ‘games’ or whatever, but nonetheless, you’ve become an addict. Now let’s talk about the ‘Journey of Quitting Facebook’

Step 1 – Denial
Nobody likes to admit they’re addicted, that’s just one of the facts of life. Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of albums and statuses that you won’t be able to view after leaving Facebook. Some of the common things someone in denial would say include, ‘I feel fine’ or ‘This can't be happening, not to me.’

Step 2- Anger Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"


Step 3 – Bargaining The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay leaving Facebook. Usually, the negotiation for an staying on Facebook is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I have to leave, but if I could just do something to buy more time..." "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my entire life to stay…"


Step 4 – Depression

During the fourth stage, the person who’s leaving begins to understand the certainty of a life without Facebook. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed. It is also common for the person to try and use another social site to soften the blow, however it is important that they don’t then become attached or addicted to the new social site that they choose to turn to (see Twitter Whores, MySpace Morons or Tumblrfag)

Step 5 – Acceptance

In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their fate, and finally begin to move on. This stage may take a while to reach, but depending on how much of an attention whore they are, it’ll be worth it in the end. During this stage, it is common for the victim to say things like "It's going to be okay." and "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

Step 6 - Rediscovery (Optional)
I’m gonna be totally honest with you… it’s impossible to quit Facebook, but I urge you to try nonetheless. If you do manage to quit, please refer this guide to all your friends, regardless of if it helped you at all. If you do quit, I happily accept donations via PayPal or even wads of cash in the mail (if you’re hot, I also accept topless pictures).

Good Luck, Live Long and Prosper and Keep Up With Dental Hygiene 


*I swear I don't do that... *cough cough*

How To Dress Your Baby

You've probably already read my article on How to Pick Yourself (If not, I suggest you do it... NOW!), well, how about dressing a baby? There’s an 83% chance you’re gonna wind up with one of your own so unless you want to wind up raising a Joe, you better learn how to dress it. 

This kid's gonna pull all the babes...

RULE 1: NO UNISEX.
Next time you’re casually standing next to the pack n’ plays at the local Babies “R” Us projecting a responsible, yet sexy vibe for all those single moms (sleep deprivation = poor decision making = erky erky in the diaper section), take a moment to notice all of that teeny-tiny clothing. There are three sections: one for baby bros, one for baby chicks, and a third heap of hideous booger green and pee-pee yellow onesies. This pile of sadness is called “unisex” clothing.  Unisex is always a bad idea. It was a bad idea when CKOne was a thing and it’s a bad idea now.

RULE 2: NO UNISEX.
Sure, like a hundred years ago no one knew if they were having a little Tommy Lee or a tiny Pamela, but we have science now, people! Science has given us rovers on Mars, Carmen Electra’s rack, and now allows us to register for an entire wardrobe of dashing three-piece baby suits or poofy, pink dresses.

RULE 3: NO UNISEX.
When was the last time you shopped in a unisex section? What? You don’t? Thought so. So why subject your newest little bro to that indignity? (And if you have been shopping in a unisex section of any store anywhere, re-read blogs 1-131. And then write me an apology note. Seriously.)

RULE 4: SOCKS.
Never leave the house without wrapping those little toesies in some itty-bitty socks. Otherwise every grandma within a thirty block radius is gonna stop to tell you your baby is cold. Also, have you seen baby socks? Squee!

RULE 5: SUITS. NOT A UNISEX SUIT.
Can’t go wrong with a suit… just make sure the tie isn’t too tight.

The Awesomest Things

When I get sad I stop being sad and be awesome instead.  True story.  But how do I do it?  Simple.  I sing the following song to remind myself of how many awesome things there really are out there.

Girls in wet t-shirts and chimps in tuxedos,
Monster truck pile-ups and Hans who shoot Greedos.
Wild chicks that beg to be tied up with strings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

U.S. Armed Forces and dudes kicked in gonads
Box suites for football and chicks’ absent dads.
Single malt scotches that someone else brings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

Skateboarder wipe-outs and first person shooters,
Reruns of “Air Wolf” and hiring for Hooters.
Hot girls that gyrate and wear down bedsprings,
These are a few of the awesomest things!

When the check comes!
When the girl clings!
When she’s fully clad… 

I simply remember the awesomest things,
And then I don't feel so bad!