Pick Up Lines That Will Get You Laid (Out)

OK, now assuming you are like every other person on the planet (aside from women, young children and prudes) you probably didn't notice the (Out) part in the title, did you. Don't worry, it's a scientific fact that 83% of people when they see the an article mentioning getting laid, will jump straight to the How-To section, and to be honest I don't blame them. In this day and age, getting laid is tricky. About 50 years ago, you could've claimed you invented the automobile and the sheer awesomeness of the claim would cause every women in the bar wanting a piece of you. But now, because of the internet, those easy ways of getting women have been foiled and now we actually have to put effort in to pick up women by using Plays (See future Blog Post) and Pick Up lines (on the upside, the internet gave you this blog). Anyhoo, getting back on track. I cannot guarantee these lines will work. In fact, I can almost guarantee these lines will give you a black eye... 
The lines that I will provide will be categorized into different pineapples... you know, just for Lolz. The pineapples are: Cheesy, Flattery, Innuendo, Straight to the point/Crude, Geeky, Harry Potter and plain Awesome ...


CHEESY

• If beauty were time, you'd be eternity. - 32% of success
• Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart. - 31% of success
• Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see! - 2% of success
• You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line. - 45% of success
• If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents. - 36% of success
• Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW! - 42% of success
• Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT! - 26% of success
• When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you. - 28% of success
• Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back. - On Valentines Day: 86% of success, Any other day: 19% of success

FLATTERY

• All those curves, and me with no brakes - 21% of success
• Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue? - 19% of success
• I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman. - 17% of success
• I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. - 2% of success (don't ask)
• Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a goddess. - 24% of success
• What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off! - 100% of success (if your famous and (good looking))... 27% for anyone else.

INNUENDO

• I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand. - 26% of success
• Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. - 43% of success
• Do you wash your panties with Windex? Because I can really see myself in them. - 28% of success
• Help the homeless. Take me home with you. - 35% of success
• I've got a condom with your name on it. - 13% of success
• That shirt's very becoming on you. If I were on you, I'd be coming too. - 15% of success
• Those are nice jeans, do you think I could get in them? - 24% of success
• Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? - 52% of success
• Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get. - 34% of success

STRAIGHT TO THE POINT/CRUDE

• Do you sleep on your stomach? [any answer] Can I? - 29% of success
• Fancy a drink? No, how about Bed and Breakfast? - 41% of success
• Hey Baby! I'd like to use your thighs as earmuffs. - 19% of success
• Wanna shag? - 36% of success (you'll be surprised)
• I am a magical being, take off your bra. - 9% of success
• I wanna put my thingy into your thingy. - 83% of success
• Let's bypass all the bullcrap and just get naked. - Unfortunately, not enough
• You -will- go home with me tonight. - 100% of success if you are a Jedi or Sith lord.
• You've been a bad, bad girl(boy). Go to my room! - 47% of success
• Excuse me. My friend over there is a little embarrassed. He'd like your phone number... because he wants to know where he can get a hold of me in the morning. - 63% of success

GEEKY

• I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. - 12% of success
• I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen. - 6% of success
• Need me to unzip your files? - 8% of success
• Want to come see my HARD Disk? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. - 10% of success 
• Your homepage or mine? - 4% of success

HARRY POTTER (If a Harry Potter Fan add 42%)

• My love for you burns like a dying phoenix. - 27% of success
• Hagrid's not the only giant on campus, if you know what I mean. - 23% of success
• If I were to look into the Mirror of Erised, I'd see the two of us together. - 26% of success
• If you were a Dementor, I'd become a criminal just to get your kiss. - 35% of success
• You don't even have to say "Luminos Maxima" to turn me on! - 37% of success
• You must be magical, because I've fallen under your spell. - 41% of success
• You are like a bottle of Skele-Gro: You're growing me a bone. - 14% of success

AWESOME

• Bond... James Bond - 90% of success (trust me) 
• Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? - 47% of success
• The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name - 61% of success
• So....How am I doin'? - 24% of success
• (If s/he is looking at you)You know, my mother always told me it was impolite to stare... so what do you say we dance? - 98% of success
• Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore; My face should be among them - Again... not enough

So there you have it. A variety of Awesome and Awful) pick up lines (emphasis on the awful). Use them at a bar, club or convention (for the Geeky and Harry Potter ones). Now go my minions of the Blogworld... GO!  Good bye and Good luck... you'll need it...

Blog Five

For "Bro's in the Know", a high five is the main source of communication. It can be used at any time: Greetings, partings, as a sign of appreciation, approval or happiness and are sometimes used just for the sheer sake of being awesome.

Player Play ON... 

CAUTION: BEWARE OF BEING LEFT HANGING... IT BE DEEMED...NOT AWESOME'

History of Suiting Up

What does it mean to Suit Up? If you answered 'To Put on a Suit'... you are a sad, strange, little man... and you have my pity...

Definition of Suit Up- To grow some balls, as it pertains to the pursuit of women. The act of "suiting up" is a realization of values that make a man attractive to a woman, and a rejection of the values of a man that are idealized in women, but provide no success pragmatically in attraction. This includes rejecting notions of being nice, seeking to be liked for whom you are, and treating a woman well etc. Hence, "suiting up" is a moment of growth and acceptance of such things necessary to attraction as playing hard to get, being rich, being cocky, having good hygiene, and dressing well. This phrase is derived from the physical action of putting on a suit or "suiting up" in order to impress the ladies.

Moving back on track, Man has been Suiting Up since the dawn of time... here is a quick overview of Suiting Up.

When Adam first grew a pair... and SUITED UP!

This Neanderthal Suited Up to pick up hot monkey chicks

Suit Up unto others as they will Suit Up unto you. - The Bible

Creating the lightbulb didn't get him laid... Suiting Up DID! - Thomas Edison

Neil Armstrong Space Suited Up to get with some hot, triple-breasted alien chicks...

Obama Suits Up and subsequently creates the 'Fist Bump' simultaneously

Barney Stinson... LEGENDARY!

The List of Pure Bad-Assery

Wikitionary defines Badass as 'A mean or belligerent person; A person whose extreme attitudes and behavior are admirable or cool. I disagree. Badassness pushes the boundaries of awesomeness in a completely different direction. Badassness grabs lameness by the neck and flushes its head down the toilet, while awesomeness just sits back and laughs. Anyway, enough of my banter. Here is my list of extreme Badasses. PS: No Chuck Norris.

5. Batman - Whilst being fictional, this dude just doesn't give a crap about the bad guys and takes justice into his own hands.
EXCEPTION: Robin - C'mon, man. What's going on there.

4. Theodore Roosevelt - President of the Badassery. There are many examples of Teddy's badassery, but the most honourable would have to be... While campaigning for a third term. Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest
BADASS QUOTE: 'Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight.' - Holy Crap

3. James Bond - Ignoring the fact that Bond changes appearance more than I change socks (bearing in mind, that's not very often), this dude has the most badass personality of any British Secret Agent... ever... OK, so in his earlier days, he was quite chill and didn't kill anyone, but he was still Badass. Hell, Bond managed to foil the evil villains plans AND sleep with the women that were trying to kill him... probably simultaneously.
MOST BADASS MOMENT: The opening to Moonraker features Bond, an nasty pilot and the iconic Jaws leaping from a plane and fighting for the coveted parachute. They punch, kick and spend a solid two minutes flying through air -- a stunt that would make Christopher Nolan pee his pants even today.

2. Darth Vader - I'm sure you all know Darth Vader (and if you don't... I suggest you leave), but for arguments sake, I'll take a moment to explain to you a brief history of the Sith Lord. As seen in the crappy excuse for prequels (which I am debating whether or not I want to acknowledge their existence), Darth Vader originally had the innocence of a sweet child, but now only seems to possess the heartless exterior of some weird robot type... thing. Anyway, long story short, Darth is one badass mofo who goes around killing people with his lightsaber (not an innuendo), choking people using the force and manipulating people using the powers of the Sith.
MOST BADASS MOMENT: Darth Vader Force chokes Admiral Motti to near death in a meeting of top Imperials in a conference room on the Death Star. He delivers the line, “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” to Motti’s open defiance of Vader’s adherence to the Force. Vader’s calm demeanor during the entire moment is just cold blooded.

1. Ted Taylor - Unlike the predecessor, I can almost guarantee you haven't heard of this guy. In fact, I barely know anything about the guy. From what I have gathered, Ted Taylor was a nuclear weapons designer. Well, the reason he's badass? HE LIT A CIGARETTE USING A FRIGGEN NUCLEAR BOMB. OK, now, it's not like he said to himself one morning, 'Dammit, where's my lighter. Nevermind, there's a Nuke here, I'll use that'. No, what he did was he used a parabolic mirror to reflect and focus the radiation from a 14-kiloton nuclear explosion in the Nevada desert, THEN STUCK HIS FACE INTO IT AND LIT HIS CIGARETTE. One more time, for those of you who were just temporarily blinded halfway through the insanity of that last sentence: A man once harvested the energy from a nuclear explosion ... just to light his cigarette. He survived just fine, but there's no word on whether he gained smoke-based superpowers afterward, so we're forced to assume he did.

MOST BADASS MOMENT: What, that wasn't Badass enough for you?

Picking Clothes That SUIT you... ULTIMATE SUIT UP GUIDE

I have a variety of suits... Solid, Pinstripe, Plaid, Polyester, Linen, Cotton, Cashmere, Herringbone, Worsted, Single Breasted, Double Breasted (What Up?)... the point is... I have a lot of suits. This has left many people with the same assumption, 'You must know a lot about suits'... well, the truth is... that's correct. 83% of people I talk to about suits often ask me how to pick the perfect suit... Here is that information... to help you stay legen... wait for it... DARY!

Picking a Jacket (Not a Blazer)
Preferably 
-Black
-Navy
-Beige
-Grey (Pinstripe)
-Olive Green
TIPS
-Adding a vest to the ensemble is optional


Picking Pants 
Must compliment or match Jacket


Picking a Dress Shirt
Can be a variety of colours based on your Jacket choice.
-Traditionally, Dress Shirts are conservative colours, such as light blue or white. Grays are also fairly safe. However, you can choose whatever shirt you feel looks good
-If you are looking to portray a more lively image, choose bright, unconventional colors. Bright greens and oranges are relatively popular... however, in accordance to Bro Code Article 47: A Bro never wears pink...

-Solid colors are considered wardrobe staples because they are easiest to match, but you might consider choosing stripes or a plaid pattern. Solid shirts are beneficial in that you can wear virtually any tie with them [solid or patterned].

TIPS

-Black Jacket works with any shirt

-White shirt will work with any tie


Picking a Tie - 

http://sevenfoldties.reflexblue.org/pickatie.php

-Match with colors next to each other

-Match with colors across from each other
-Match with same color but with a different shade or hue
MATCHING PATTERNS
-GOOD - contrast in size of pattern
-large checkered tie, small checkered shirt
-wide striped tie, thin striped shirt
-solid colored tie or solid colored shirt will go with anything
-BAD - patterns that blend with each other striped tie and checkered shirt
-stripes of same width on shirt and tie
-checkered pattern of same size on shirt and tieTIPS - some classic combinations that don't go out of style
-yellow tie and blue shirt
-red tie, white shirt, light gray suit
-Bow ties work well with a suit, but work better with Tux's... only pick a black or red bow tie...


Shoes
-Shinier materials usually indicate a dressier shoe, as do less bulky heels and soles. Choose a shoe that is the same color or darker than your pants, and if wearing a belt, match your shoes to it.

- Only 1 or 2 pairs required, however I recommend 4-5... just in case.

Socks

-Black Socks... no exceptions...

Belt

-Make sure that the color matches your suit. Do not wear shiny and wide buckles that will minimize your overall corporate appearance. 

Accessories

Watch - MUST look good, but doesn't necessarily have to be expensive. They tend to be either mechanical or quartz, very seldom are they digital. Stick with a silver chrome watch as it compliments most suit colours.

Cufflinks - Either match it to similar colours in your suit or watch or just go for a design that sparks interest. They are not to be taken seriously, but make sure they're formal nonetheless. Bear in mind, cufflinks reflects the personality and the individuality of a person.

Pocket Square - A simple place to start is to match the colour of the square to a colour within your tie . Once that’s sorted, you can start experimenting with patterns and fabrics. From paisley to checkered, they add a little character to your suit and help individualise your look. If you find it a little difficult to pick a pattern, simply pick a colour in your suit and use that as a base to compliment the rest of your accessories, but do in subtly.

Things to Stay Away From

Tweed Jackets (shudder)

Satchels - I know Indiana Jones pulled it off, but it WILL not work for you.

Novelty Accessories - Though it may seem cool to add a Top Hat and a monocle to your suit, these do NOT work with suits... well... most of the time anyway. If your ACTUALLY Suiting Up (like, wearing a suit to a party or costume) then novelty items are OK... but if your Suiting Up out of awesomeness, stay away from:

-Bowler Hats

-Top Hats

-Monocles

-Dress Gloves

-Cane

-Fake, yet comical, mustaches

Well, there you have it. The ULTIMATE Suit Up Guide. Choose wisely, have fun and SUIT UP.

The Brad's Blog Backdrop

Because it is awesome, here is 'The Brad's Blog' Backdrop. Feel free to use it however you wish.

Facts from A Social Network

Recently, I held a contest of such on an anonymous Social Networking Site *cough cough* FACEBOOK *cough*... Anyway, the point of this contest was to get as many likes as possible (although I stopped at 20) and post a fact about myself for every like. And now, for your entertainment, THE FACTS!

‎20. I love to act and shall one day be the next James Bond... MWAHAHAHA...
‎19. I also have 2 wingmen named Jeremy and Joe
‎18. I Let the Dogs out
17. Believe it or not, I'm the 12th Doctor
‎16. I'm vomit free since 2003
15. I skipped 14
13. I don't believe in the moon, I think it's just the back of the sun.
‎12. ...I follow The Bro Code...
‎11. Being the epicness that I am only have 2 Wingmen... but a whole Team of Awesomeness...
10. Special Skills on my resume include:

• Juggling
• Can Unicycle
• Great at Laser Tag
• Owns a Suit
• Can make the 'Predator Sound'
• Awesome at Magic
• Fluent in English
• Speaks Mandarin, Korean, Ukrainian, French, Spanish, Sarcasm and Wookie
• Knows how to Party
• Owns a blog 

‎9. I own a variety of costumes including:

• Mario
• Face (A-Team)
• Marty McFly Costume
• Ash Ketchum
• Death Eater
• Professor Layton
• Two Face
• Superman
• Roxas
• Green Arrow
• Johnny Bravo
• Daft Punk
• Chev Chelios
• John McCain
• Elvis Presley 
• Harry Potter
• and a Neil Patrick Harris Costume‎ 

8. I have 14 Harry Potter posters in my room... but I de-gayed my room by putting up a Katy Perry poster...
7. The camera loves me
6. I have a knack for filmmaking and one day hope to make a crappy Godzilla remake
5. I am currently unemployed, having previously been rejected by Event Cinema's, Ron Bennett Suit Store and The Evil League of Evil
‎4. I am planning on dying my hair pink for $60
‎3. I spent all day making crappy Photoshop pictures instead of finishing my homework and assignments.
I own a variety of different suits and enjoy collecting hats that I rarely wear...
2. I am awesome (but I think you knew that... :P)

1. Lucky Last. This like for a fact thing has COMPLETELY ruined my evening [Had to be there]

Wacky Wingman

Wherever there be a Bro... there be thou Wingman

Only One Rule...

I am, if nothing else, a man of integrity. I choose to live a life governed by strict morals; morals that are often difficult to remember. That's why I've simplified everything into one simple, easy-to-understand rule:

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

For me, it's just that simple. Whenever I encounter an ethically gray situation, that one rule almost always guides me in the proper direction.

After you've discovered your own "one rule," you'll need to commit it to memory. I find it helps to take out a piece of paper and simply write your rule over and over, like this:

"I only have one rule..."

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.

Never go out with a chick whose last name ends in a vowel.

If you're gonna get it on in a portable toilet, do it early in the day.

Never meet a girl's parents.

Never pass up a free sample.

Never pet a chicken.

If "Don't Stop Believing" comes on, stop whatever you're doing and sing along with one hand up in the air.

Never check a bag.

If it's yellow, flush it down, too.

Never spell check.

Never trust a dude with hair past his shoulders.

Never trust a dude with hair ON his shoulders.

Never delete "Total Recall" from your DVR.

Never enter a wine bar. They attract women over 30.

Never wear a brown belt with black shoes.

No cats.

Never take a girl back to your place, especially if your place is the White House.

Always wash your hands before returning to work.

Never leave home with less than three condoms in your wallet.

However old a girl says she is; add five years. However much a girl says she weighs; add twenty pounds.

Never make the first or third out at third base.

Never meet a girl for lunch.

Never repeat yourself.

Don't say the same thing twice.

Bang twice, dump once.

The longer the line, the better the food.

Throw it high, say "goodbye." Throw it low, you're going to the show.

If you pay your taxes before a court mandates that you do, you've paid too soon.

When travelling internationally, it's best to stick to bottled water and avoid ice cubes.

C-cups and up.

Never run without stretching.

Never wear a clip-on.

Never use an airplane lavatory.

Wait at least an hour after eating before humping.

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Ask yourself, "What would Ted do?" Then do the opposite.

Never order a "small" beer.

Black tie is never optional.

If someone yells "Duck!" then duck.

Never date a girl with a hook for a hand.