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The Diary Of Thomas Riddle (A Full Biography of the Life of Tom Riddle)

Thomas Archebold Riddle (born May 2nd 1963) son of Thomas Percival Riddle Snr. and Eleanor Turbold Riddle was a pro basketballer from the age of 17 until his untimely death at the age of 36 due to a complication during routine pigmentation surgery. Thomas was born with a rare genetic defect called whiteblackmanatosis, which required him to have frequent surgery. In 1990 he married actress Salma Hayek in Cancun, Mexico; they have three children. During his career, he played for the Los Angeles Lakers and earnt the nickname "Lord Voldemort" for an unknown reason. His son Ron Artest (who takes his mother, Rhonda Artest's last name) currently plays for the Lakers and often dedicates his games to his late father. Thomas also had a great, great aunty named Adolf Tilher, a Jewish man from Ohio who grew Roses in the summer and shovelled snow in the winter. He eventually became mayor of the town of Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap, near his farm and married Mary Lou Bethlahime; they had 15 children. Adolf died in a freak cow attack in 1914. Mr Adolf Tihler was one of the first people to be known as aunty while they were men. This was due to his feminine nature and his constant cross dressing around Wheresitatidunnowhogivesacrap.

Aunty Adolf Tihler Baking Cookies

At the tender age of 13, Mr Riddle had his spleen surgically removed by a common household toothbrush after he 'borrowed' a certain Carlos Norris' tractor to renovate his port-a-loo. According to Mr Riddle, the tractor continued to move, even after he parked it. The accident was a major event in the towns history and gossip of the event spread like wildflower. The incident may have been the origin of his basketball nickname, as the townsfolk commonly called him ‘The Park Lord’, meaning ‘Haha, You can’t park a tractor you dumb twat’ in Latin. Thomas was so distraught by the incident, he grew an orange halfrow and a moustache and made everyone call him ‘dawg’.

The Unfortunate Accident caused his skin to turn from blue to pale

In 1972, the Riddle family moved to Hollywood to sell novelty condoms, as a front for their highly infamous Marijuana business. It was a small business, with only one outside employee, a young Carlos Irwin Estevez (later known as Charlie Sheen). The family continued this business up until Tom Sr. fatally stabbed himself with ‘rubber Johnny’. Unscathed yet broke, the fatherless family moved to a small ghetto in New Hampshire and lived in a broken Sedan parked behind a McDonalds where the oldest child, Marvin, sold U2 records on the weekend.

The Riddle Family [from left to right]. Marvin, Tom Sr., Tom Jr.,   Eleanor and Rocky.

Just after the resignation of President Nixon, Thomas discovered his love for cookery, sampling many delicacies the world has to offer and later that year he had invented the MahPooIsExquisite, which consisted of 98% wizard feces... After much trail and error (and a LOT of consumption of feces), Riddle was rendered mute and spent 13 years mastering sign language. Towards the end of his life, Thomas could sign so well, his hands would occasionally break out in a spontaneous combustion, proving to be very entertaining at parties.

Controlling the combustion and limiting it to his hand... this guy is a master at 'magic'...
During Mr Riddles 'Pre Afro' days.

Before the terrible ‘mute’ incident, Mr Riddle pursued a singing career, in which he formed the band, ‘My Lord and The Death Eater Crew.’ My Lord and The Death Eater Crew (also known as Mylant Deatrew) went on to sell 174 different albums and did 412 world tours, making them the second most successful band in the universe, losing only to ‘Boobies, Boobies, Boobies’.

Mylant Deatrew's first commercially released album

The youngest member of the Riddle family, Rocky, played an influential part of Tom’s life. In 1979, Rocky discovered a strange substance growing inside the Earths core. Upon consumption of the liquid, Rocky grew wings and flew to Northern Island, where he sold the liquid he calls, ‘Red Bull’. Rocky lived in a 25 floor estate with his 34 wives and 792 children... each named Rocky (excluding the accidental female child, named ADRIENNE).

After consumption of Red Bull, Rocky matched powers of Superman

Tom’s life remained pretty stable throughout the 80’s and 90’s... either that or he was so high he forgot most of his 20’s and 30’s.

Look at that guy... totally stoned...

On New Years Eve 1999, Thomas underwent his routine pigmentation surgery, as it was able to keep his skin at a stable colour. Although, this surgery proved to be more than routine. At around 11:24 PM, Doctor Stinson was absence as he was picking up all of the Spice Girls, so Tom was treated by Dr Whatshisface. Dr Whatshisface had been proven less than incompetent on many occasions, having successfully bleached Michael Jackson's skin in the past. Mr Riddle was declared deceased at 11:59 on the 31st of December 1999. The cause of death was increased hormonal activity in the brain, causing his body to explode. Thus ends the tragic biography of Mr Thomas Archebold Riddle (by the way, YES it’s Archebold NOT Archibald. The nurse misspelled the name on his Birth Certificate)

R.I.P. My Lord...

The Hot Crazy Scale

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become - knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where the great Professor Barnabus Stinson comes to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale.
1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.
b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.
c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:

a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.
b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.
c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:

a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.
b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.
c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:

a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.
b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.
c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:

a: Report it to human resources.
b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.
c: Stab him with his tie.

6. The barista screws up your double skim, half café, no sugar added caramel macchiato. You:

a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.
b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.
c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:

a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.
b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.
c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:

a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.
b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.
c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:

a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.
b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.
c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:

a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.
b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.
c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly.

100 of MY Favorite Films (FINISHED)

A few months ago, I began to compile a list of movies which I deemed 'awesome'. Now, bare in mind, I have probably seen 0.0000005% of all the movies ever made... if that. IMDb states that there are over 1,824,380 made (or being made) from 1888 to 2016, so the chances that anyone will see every movie are kinda slim (except Charlie Sheen... he has seen every movie ever made... winning.) Now, this list will eventually consist of 100 movies however it will not be completed right away. Oh, BTW, when I say movies, I am not including movies of an adult variety...  if you catch my drift... just because movie contains boobs, it doesn't have an excuse for having poor lighting and crappy plot lines... well... maybe sometimes. Anyway, in honour of 222 years of cinematography, my Top 100 Movies!

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
• Fight Club 
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire 
• Back to The Future 
• A.I. Artificial Intelligence 
• 10 Things I Hate About You 
• Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog 
• Pulp Fiction 
• About a Boy 
• The Shawshank Redemption (NEW)
• Toy Story 
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 
• Back to The Future 2 
• Singing in the Rain 
• Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone 
• Inglorious Basterds (NEW)
• Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street 
• A Clockwork Orange
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 
• Same Time, Next Year 
• Die Hard 
• The Sixth Sense 
• Snatch (NEW)
• The Jungle Book
• The Truman Show 
• Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 
• American History X (NEW)
• Hot Rod 
• The Muppets (NEW)
• The Kings Speech
• Casino Royale (NEW)
• Meet the Robinson's 
• Cars 
• Se7en (NEW)
• Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back 
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban 
• Toy Story 2 
• The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (NEW)
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix 
• Wayne’s World 
• Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc 
• The Hunger Games (NEW)
• The 40 Year Old Virgin 
• Cast Away 
• The Green Mile (NEW)
• School of Rock
• Taken (NEW)
• 21 Jump Street (NEW)
• Donnie Darko
• Little Shop of Horrors
• Monsters, Inc. 
• Wayne’s World 2 
• Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 
• Love Actually 
• Die Hard 3 
• Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy 
• Zoolander
• The Grey (NEW)
• X-Men First Class (NEW)
• Tropic Thunder (NEW)
• Starship Troopers 
• To Kill A Mockingbird
• Shrek 
• Hitchhikers Guide to The Galaxy 
• The Lion King 
• Shrek 2 
• The Pursuit of Happyness (NEW)
• Spirit: The Stallion of Cimmaron 
• The Hangover 
• Drive (NEW)
• Watership Down 
• Star Wars: A New Hope 
• Terminator 2: Judgment Day 
• The Watchmen (NEW)
• Pirates of the Caribbean 
• The Inbetweeners Movie (NEW)
• Shutter Island 
• A Bugs Life
• Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest
• Shawn of The Dead 
• Hot Fuzz 
• A Few Best Men (NEW)
• James Bond: Quantum of Solace
• The Nightmare Before Christmas 
• Edward Scissorhands 
• Happy Feet 
• Toy Story 3 
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall 
• Men In Black 
• Ghost Town
• The Cinderella Man 
• The Time Machine 
• The Dark Night 
• Harold and Kumar: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
• Big Fish 
• Cool Hand Luke 
• Beauty and the Beast (Don’t Judge Me) 
• Ghostbusters 
• Catch Me If You Can
• The Railway Children (NEW)

Now, if there are any movies you feel I should add to the list (or watch THEN add to the list), feel free to comment below... but I'll only listen if you're wearing a suit (unless you're a girl... in which case I'll only listen if you're wearing nothing at all.)

PEACE OUT, HOMBRES


UPDATE: After exactly a year and one week, I have FINALLY completed my Top 100 Movies List! 
Again, if you feel the need for me to review the list and update it with better movies, I urge you to give me your favorite movies in the comments (which I REALLY know you WON'T... you speds...)