C’mon, you knew this was coming. With all the Zombie Related
attacks happening in the last month, it would be impossible for me NOT to talk
about the potential army of the undead that will soon rise up against humanity…
wait, what? You DIDN’T expect me to write this article? You didn’t expect me to
write any articles at all? Oh, how wrong you were my friend. Much like the
quick recline in modern flesh-eating horror stories, I’ve returned like a
turkey slap to the face of society; quick, painful and coming right out of
nowhere (what a hideously, disgusting pun… I’M BACK, BABY!). So, where was I…?
Oh right, zombies!
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| Our Lord and Savior: The Zombie Slayer |
Deep down, you’ve been waiting for this moment for your entire life. You’ve
grown up watching zombie films, survived adolescence by blowing up the undead
on your pathetic gaming consoles and spent countless hours on the can dreaming
of the ultimate zombie survival story. Why? Because we are the zombies, man! Zombies
aren’t scary anymore; we’ve become accustom to the fear which has forced their
horror to manifest into hatred. We hate them because they’re us, minus all the
intellect and emotion that somehow redeems humanity. Zombies are the ultimate
portrayal of modern antagonism, simply because we pity them; we revolt them as
they symbolise the lowest form of humanity. Don’t deny that fact that you would
happily grab the nearest blunt instrument and parade the street beating the
now-mindless flesh-eating population, painting the town red with the brains of
your ex-lover. Now, before you grab your double-barrel shotgun and hit up the
town, blowing up the head of the nearest semi-conscious alcoholic, we must
first ask ourselves, how? Not how shall we end this uprising of reanimated
corpses, but how will this war begin.
The three main speculations regarding the introduction of
zombies amongst the human race include; A brain parasite, a viral toxin and the
reanimation of a dead human. The viral toxin scenario seems to be one of the
most common of the uprising theories; one person becomes a zombie, who goes on
to bite another person, who in turn bites a third person and so on and so on
and so on, etcetera etcetera, carpi diem, the end. Obviously, the most common
spread of this form of contagion is through one infected individual biting the
flesh of a second individual, causing the virus to be pumped directly alongside
the victims’ bloodstream. In some respects, this option would be most
favourable, as you would already be aware that you are becoming a zombie
allowing you time to say good bye to your love ones, sort out your affairs and
appreciate the fact that in a few minutes, you will never have to hear about
Justin Bieber ever again. On the otherhand, you might be someone who enjoys a
little mystery or maybe you’d just prefer to be caught unawares, much like that
Turkey Slap I mentioned earlier in the article.
TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)
TO BE CONTINUED (MAYBE)
