Basic Brocabulary

Believe it or not, but people have often questioned the Theories of Barney Stinson (If you are not familiar with Barney Stinson, I suggest you hastily smother yourself to put you out of your misery... or watch How I Met Your Mother)... so, for your knowledge, the Wisdom of Barney and Brad, your basic... Brocabulary (part of bromanculture, vocabulary spoken from one bro to another, with emphasis on bronunciation)

The Platinum Rule 
"Love thy neighbor, but never love thy neighbor"
A more elegant way of saying "Don't crap where you eat.". As someone pointed out, the Golden Rule is "Treat others they way...", but the intent is there...

The Lemon Law 
The concept that you can declare a date a "lemon" within the first 5 minutes and end the date immediately.
It's a thing

The Hot/Crazy Scale 
On an imaginary Cartesian plane with "hot" plotted on the Y axis and "crazy" plotted on the X axis, a girl must be above a set line (the Mendoza Diagonal) to be datable.
The theory is sound, but the Mendoza Diagonal is not the same for everyone. Some guys can tolerate a lot of crazy, while others can't handle any. So every guy (and every girl as well, I suppose) will have their own version of the Hot/Crazy Scale.
More on 'The Hot/Crazy Scale' in future blog posts.

Crazy Eyes 
"A well-documented condition of the pupils or pupi..."
You can find out a lot about someone just by looking into their eyes, and the "Crazy Eyes" concept is proof of that fact. Sure, there are exceptions, but in general, if her eyes look crazy - you're in for one wild ride.

The Cheerleader Effect 
The Cheerleader Effect is when a group of women seem hot, but only as a group. Just like with Cheerleaders, they seem hot, but take each one of them individually - sled dogs.
Thought to only be in effect with groups of women, but actually in effect with both sexes.
Also known as the Bridesmaid Paradox, Sorority Girl Syndrome and, for a brief window in the mid-90’s, the Spice Girls Conspiracy... Scary Spice indeed.

The Pyramid of Screaming

The Pyramid of Screaming is a societal rubric that dismisses the parlor tricks of the Chain of Screaming, Scream Ladder, South Beach Screaming, and other methodologies and focuses on the golden rule of scream etiquette: You can only scream beneath you.
In some cases, a Circle of Screaming can trump ‘The Pyramid of Screaming’.

The ‘Oh’ Moment
The more you learn about a person, the better chance you have of hitting the fatal “oh” moment. The ‘Oh’ moment is the moment you find out that one detail about the person that’s gonna be a deal breaker. You want to postpone knowing anything about each other for as long as possible.

The Freeway Theory

Relationships are like a freeway. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first one, my personal favorite, is 6 hrs in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you leave while she's in the shower. The next exits are 4 days, 3 weeks, 7 months, then a year and a half, 18 years, and the last exit, death. Which, if you've been with the same woman all your life, it's like 'are we there yet'?
In extension to the rule, saying ‘I Love You’ is the equivalent of moving into a carpool lane, where there is a big diamond.

The Booty Call Theory 
Put gently, a booty call is a call to a girl asking for sex. The ‘Booty Call Theory’ is that the later it is, the less you have to say to successfully earn said Booty Call. By 9 p.m, you tell her who it is, Ask if she’s busy, then somehow explain you’re happy. But the later it gets, the fewer words you need. And by 3 in the morning, a simple question mark is sufficient.

The Date-Time Continuum 
Possibly, THE most important rule, the "date-time continuum" basically states that you should not make plans with a current girlfriend/boyfriend that are further into the future than the amount of time that you have been dating, because chances are, you would’ve already applied the ‘Freeway Theory’ and gotten the hell out of there!

Just Visiting

If you can stomach walking around dressed like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks. All you need is a map, a fanny pack, and a brand new identity. I can’t help with the first two, but I can certainly help you create a believable back-story that promises to turn your waning local love life into a fiery, no-strings attached romp. Sorry! No time to stick around - you’ve got a flight to catch.

Hi, I’m (real first name) __________ (bird of prey) ___________. I’m from (compass direction) _________ (biblical locale) ___________, (Midwestern or rectangular state) ___________. Go fightin’ (woodland creatures) ____________! Yep, it’s a great place to grow up. Walking down Main Street at (time of day) _________, and dropping in at (3-letter male name) _____________’s for some homemade (diabetic dessert) __________, well it makes my eyes water and my tummy grumble just thinking about it, yes siree. From time to time I like to check in on ol’ Mrs. (tree species) _________, bless her heart, and her prize winning (color) __________ (vegetable) __________s. My high school sweetheart (flower type) ____________ and I used to neck up on (dangerous animal) _____________ (body of water) _________ Point. Thought we’d get married but the good Lord had other plans for her in the form of a (American sedan) __________ losing control ‘round (American president) ________’s Curve. After she passed, I took up (piece of furniture) ____________ whittling to ease the pain, but golly, I sure don’t meet many ladies in that line of work, 'specially not ones as pretty as you. Gosh, you’re prettier than a (barnyard animal) ___________ on a (season) _________ day glistening in the (celestial body) __________ shine.

The 'Sex' Sense

You may have seen that 1999 film with the little blond dude who chats up dead people. You may have also seen him get interrupted by Keyboard Cat on YouTube. Well, I, just like him, have a sixth sense. The only difference? Mine is sex-related and way, way cooler. Let's call it a "sex sense." You see, I have the uncanny ability to determine precisely how long it's been since a lady has last lain with a man. But what if you aren't as awesome as me and only have a mere five senses? Fear not, for I present to you an easy-to-follow flow chart to help you gauge just how hard-up your potential honey is.

Why is this important? Because there is a very narrow window of opportunity or, "bangotunity," when a girl's ready to get down. That window falls between 3 weeks, 2 days, 5 hours and 3 weeks, 2 days, 6 hours. Needless to say, there is no room for error.

Psych Up!

People often ask, 'Brad, why are you always so psyched (I've never actually been asked, but I'm sure it happens). 'Well', I answer, 'that is because I, unlike the rest of you T-Shirt and Jean wearing losers, follow The Bro Code and in accordance to Bro Code article 122, I am always psyched. ALWAYS! Now, how do I get psyched? I'll answer that in 2 words... Get Psyched.... Mix. Now, because you may be having trouble getting psyched, or you need to get a Bro psyched, I have decided to post a list of classic 'Get Psyched Songs' (courtesy of Barney Stinson.)

"You Give Love a Bad Name" - Bon Jovi

"I Wanna Rock" - Twisted Sisters

"The Humpty Dance" - Digital Underground

"Don't Stop Believin'" (NOT the Glee Version) - Journey

'"You're the Best Around" - Joe Esposito

"Lick it Up" - KISS

"Paradise City" - Guns N' Roses

"Tom Sawyer" - Rush

"The Transformers Theme" - Vince DiCola with Optimus Prime

"Dancing with Myself" - Billy Idol

"Rock You Like A Hurricane" - Scorpions

"Come Sail Away" - Styx

"Free Bird"(Second Half Only) - Lynard Skynard

"Panama" - Van Halen

"Jessie's Girl" - Rick Springfield

"Talk Dirty to Me" - Poison

"Thunderstruck" - AC/DC

"High Enough" - Damn Yankees

"Hip Hop Hooray" - Naughty By Nature

"Dr. Feelgood" - Mötley Crüe

"Round and Round" - Ratt

Why Girls MUST wear Jeans to a Strip Club…

Look down. Do you see boobs? If you answered “no” please refer to Bro Code article 45. If you answered “yes” take a second to admire them… maybe give them a soft caress... maybe make an amateur video of you giving them a soft caress… Anyway, the fact that you see boobs most likely* means you’re a chick and therefore have a duty (heh) to always wear jeans if and when you go to a strip club. Why?

1. A chick wearing something other than jeans steals focus. Frankly, it’s disrespectful to those hardworking community college dropouts who’ve decided to listlessly gyrate their sinewy bodies in front of slack-jawed strangers in exchange for cash. Insulting, really.

2. A skirt or a dress says you’re not open to a lap dance. Candy’s doesn’t have the time to push up your petticoats to get in there. That cute floral a-line basically announces you’re taking up space preventing another patron from contributing to her tattoo-removal fund. Not cool.

3. Jeans are too tight for wallets. Wearing jeans forces you to keep money in places other than your pocket (I suggest betwixt your boobies), so when you have to pay for a drink you’re graciously offering patrons two shows for the price of one.

4. Jeans help prevent infection. Trust me: you want as little exposed flesh on a strip club seat as possible. Save lives: cover up those gams.

5. To attract the fellas. If there’s one thing guys like, its something else. After a night of seeing awesome nakedness, a woman in a pair of sexy tight jeans is a nice change. Plus, if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll take those jeans off later thereby completing the great circle of stripper life.

6. Comfort. The fact that you came to a strip club in the first place shows that you’re a cool chick. You might as well take the night off from style and go for feel – you deserve to slip into those dungarees.

* A friendly “mahalo” to my TG/TS/TV readers!

HARD TO GET

If you read my blog often, or simply live on this planet, you know that 100% of ladies play "hard-to-get." Recently, my best friend and I found ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: a beautiful girl at the bar was stroking his arm and looking deep into his eyes, but the straw in her drink… was pointing towards me. To a trained seduction artist like myself, it was obvious that this girl was teasing me with a classic game of "hard-to-get," while my poor buddy was playing his own classic game of "gettin' hard"… a game he only plays with himself.

Here are ten other instances in which it may appear that a girl is uninterested, but is actually just playing "hard-to-get."

1. If she tells you she's "married."

This is chick-code for "I haven't done it in months, take me now."

2. If you're blocking her path to the bathroom and she says, "Pardon me."

Take away the P, A, R, and N and you have "Do me." It doesn't get much clearer than that. She wants you to join her in stall #3.

3. If she slaps you.

You know what they say: any physical contact is good contact. Be sure to establish a "safe word" beforehand. I recommend "help!"

4. If she insists the bouncers escort you out of the bar.

She wants to get you away from her friends and have you all to herself.

5. If she's eating pretzels.

Wants you to wrap her legs up in knots. Duh.

6. If the email she gives you ends with @prodigy.net.

She wants your junk, not your junk mail. No post-coital conversation required.

7. If she refuses your offer to buy her a drink.

She wants you to buy her dinner instead – in which case, bail. That's way too much effort when there's probably a girl nearby eating pretzels.

8. If she doesn't answer your phone calls.

She's letting your calls go to voicemail so she can listen to your voice over and over and over again. She horny!

9. If she's buttoning up her jacket and turning her body away from you.

She's teasing you by covering up her heaving bosom.

10. If she pulls you aside and says, "Seriously. You need to stop stalking me. You've been creeping me out all night. I'm about to call the cops."

Wink! It doesn't get much "harder to get" than that.